Codependency in relationships involves becoming so invested with each other that you can’t function independently. I didn’t realize that I had become codependent initially, I just assumed that it was part of being a loving spouse. As the other person starts to falter due to age related pain or mental illness, the other side of the partnership lives up to the vows of marriage – in good times and in bad, sickness and in health, and for richer or poorer. Without warning, this turns into many years of giving up ones self to make it easier on the one suffering, which can lead to losing your identity as the waves of neediness wash over you stripping away what used to define you.

I struggled feeling like I didn’t know myself and that I had just continued to conform to her needs. I would ask myself what I thought she would think before actually thinking about what I may want. As I started to develop new relationships, I felt an immediate sense of guilt – like I should not be having fun without her. I did so much for her that I felt that I needed to rediscover my purpose. This left me emotionally ‘stuck’ as I determined that my sense of self was intertwined. I found that I relied on her emotionally for my self-worth more than I thought I would have.

Even after Mel passed (a day shy of 90 days ago), I still felt the need to take care of stuff for her like I had been doing while she was alive. It took me a few weeks of bewilderment and being lost to learn that the attachment was still there, but only after someone pointed it out to me (and actually used the word), I was able to put my finger on why I was struggling and start to make better choices. For example: I have started going on more hikes, eating better (sometimes, focusing on plans for my future, and worrying less about other people and focusing more on myself.

My goal isn’t to stop loving or missing her, she will always be a part of my heart. My goal is to now to learn how to carry that love while also rebuilding my own life.

I was her husband, but that was not my only identity. I am also a: Parent, Photographer, Mentor, Friend, Amateur radio operator, Outdoor enthusiast, Government contracting counselor, Learner, and Volunteer. Expanding these parts of myself will not diminish my marriage, but rather remind me that I am a whole person.

It can also help to distinguish between missing her and judging myself. Missing her is grief, but feeling like I am not complete without her is a conclusion about my worth rather than fact.

When I say “I am relieved to know she is no longer suffering.”, it sounds less like someone who didn’t love his wife and more like someone whose love included compassion. Wanting someone you love to be free from pain isn’t a betrayal of them. It’s often one of the deepest expressions of love.