I didn’t want to change. I was satisfied with the way it was going even when things were hard. I was comfortable with how things were – even with all of the drama that comes with mental illness. Each one of us, Mel and myself included, had some form of mental trauma that we’ve been dealing with in one way or another for many years. Our family learned to weather (or at least compartmentalize) the trauma and move forward without dealing with it

Then, change was forced upon us. Our train derailed, and the toxicity of the damage is the grief we’re all working through now. It feels like it is toxic, death that is, because of the way it makes me feel. There is also some form of closure with the lack of pain (both physical and mental) that she is no longer experiencing – but the journey has not been without doubt and fear. Now the damaged earth from this derailment is not forgotten, but rather memorialized in an effort to remember this unstoppable force that demanded it be remembered. We now had to deal with it rather than move past it as we did before.

The first few days were really hard. I put on a brave face, partly because I was still in shock, and partly because I thought she would want me to be the pillar that she always looked to for everyone else. It took me a couple of weeks to start to feel the true weight of what had happened. Luckily, I had people that guided me through this series of ‘aftershocks’, or at least warned me that they may come. And I know that they are not gone, there will be a series of firsts that we’ll all go through moving forward.

As I proceed forward in my life, there will be many new beginnings. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t a little bit scared. I am sure that even the Sasquatch and Yeti are scared of something, although I am fairly certain it would not be fear of solitude or loneliness. I am, however, excited to think of what I may be capable of and who I can become and I am ready to step out of my comfort zone a little bit, challenge myself to be more while trying to stay true to the person I initially set out to be.

“Never underestimate the power you have to take your life in a new direction.”
– Germany Kent