Many years ago, I worked as a Portrait Photographer for Olan Mills Portrait Studio spending my day photographing singles, couples, and families for over 2 years. It was very much a dream job for me, especially when I was managing the studio in Renton, Washington. One day, we had a client come in who had never purchased a portrait package, but had always purchased proofs. When asked why she didn’t purchase, she told me that she didn’t like the way she looked in photos in general. I assured her that was because she didn’t have her photo taken by the right photographer. I photographed her as I would have for anyone else, but left a note for the printing team to do something special for me.
That client came back a week later, started crying in my office, and purchased over $2000 in pictures – one of my largest sales ever. This was before the use of photoshop, or even touch ups, it was all stuff done after the images had been taken. What did I ask the photo team to do?
I asked them to print the image backwards.
How could this one thing have changed the mind of the person who said she hated images taken of her? It was the image that she sees when she looks in the mirror, she is used to seeing herself a certain way and minor changes, even in perception, can affect how we see ourselves.
I have started working through some things and doing some self-reflection, intentionally stepping back to examine my thoughts, emotions, and actions. As a way of building a routine, I’ve been trying to build a commitment to journaling to keep my mind fresh and continuing to heal through sharing. I’ve also been trying to be kind to myself, a hard thing to do after feeling the Bereavement guilt, the broad term for guilt that arises during grieving. This includes thoughts like, “I shouldn’t be happy yet,” “I’m betraying them,” or “I’m moving on too soon.”
After doing a lot of self reflection, I have realized a few things:
- I am capable of love again. Finding a connection with someone else doesn’t erase the years I shared with Mel, and feeling relief that her suffering ended does not mean I loved her less.
- Mel and I did not always have an awesome marriage, there were many years of discontent on both sides, as we worked through our issues. Nearing the end, it got a little better – but the lack of communication and closeness weighted in on my soul, leaving me yearning for love and affection right up until the very end.
- If the roles were reversed, I would not want her to spend years ‘grieving’ over the loss while she could find happiness with someone else.
- People don’t heal on a schedule and also don’t express loss the same way. Some people seek connection sooner because they miss companionship, routine, emotional intimacy, or simply having someone to share life with. That isn’t a replacement for the person they lost; it’s a response to a profound absence.
Thoughts of guilt can be powerful, but they’re not evidence that you’ve done something wrong. They’re often a reflection of how deeply you valued the relationship.